Don’t let the sunshine spoil your rain

It’s a cold December weekend here in the upper Midwest, with temperatures falling, wind howling, and snow and ice in the near future with plans to stick around for a while.  The gloom and chill outside are almost as disheartening as the wailing and predictions of utter destruction that will be coming from the Zombie NeverTrumpers come Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning.

Yes, Roy Moore is going to win in Alabama.  Yes, the accusations against him are not the least bit credible.  The timing.  The character of the accusers–Democrat activists and serial liars.  The unprovable he-said-she-said nature of the accusations.  The inescapable fact that despite a life spent in the public eye there is no trail of “victims.”  The “me-too” pile on to make it look bigger with non-accusation accusations.  Gloria Effing Allred.  The yearbook that is still not being released to forensics experts AND now is an admitted forgery.  Trump October Surprise v. 2.0 has failed just like version one did.  Even before the yearbook was proven by the accuser’s own admission to be a fake, Judge Moore was up in even fake news polls and had a commanding majority of Republicans believing that this smear campaign was bogus.

He’s going to win.  And that’s a good thing.  And the Zombie NeverTrumpers are going to go out and scream that Alabama has doomed us all by electing “a pedophile” or “a rapist” to the Senate.  They’re going to cry out that the Democrats will use this to try to energize their feminist base…which they would do anyway.  They’re going to insist that this means that the Republican party has abandoned its moral high ground…which the Democrats are going to claim anyway.  They’re going to tell us that winning this seat with this candidate will trigger a Democratic wave…which the Democrats were going to say anyway.  They’re going to tell us that independents will abandon us over this…which the media would say anyway.  They’re wrong on all counts, but that won’t shut them up.

And ironically, that is the danger.  In the coming months, look for new allegations and revelations about politicians being accused of questionable behavior to have “but what about Roy Moore?” stapled to the story like a cover sheet.  Look for Al Franken to conclude he really doesn’t have to step down as long as a “child molester” is being seated in the Senate and for NeverTrumpers to gleefully chime in.  Look for polls to come out citing disapproval in some way or another due to Judge Moore winning this race with numbers skewed to present the GOP with a public image of promoting sexual assault, followed by fake “conservative” pundits and commentators claiming that Moore’s election and Trump’s endorsement of him “backfired.”  It’s not a backfire when you’re standing behind someone holding the bloody knife you just stabbed him in the back with.

I said right after the Virginia elections, the bellwether will be Alabama.  When the Moore accusations came out, I said the only road to victory for the GOP here was for Moore to stay the course.  I still believe both of those things, now more than ever.  If Moore had stepped aside or been forced out, his base would have deflated and the enthusiasm that handily won him the primary would have evaporated.  People who supported him in the primary would have walked away like disaffected Bernie bros after Dr. Pantsuit and the Democrat establishment sealed the deal for her.  The problem is not that the talking heads on our side don’t understand that President Trump happened because people got sick and tired of the establishment.  The problem is that they DO understand but they don’t care.  Some are just status-quo shills masquerading as conservative to get gigs and audiences and clicks.  Others have built their entire schtick on fighting uphill, on snark and pessimism, and they want us to lose so they can go back to being the sniping minority voice again.  Whatever their reason, the inescapable fact is that they don’t care if their own team loses, and in fact are actively trying to sandbag and sabotage their own side rather than allow us to win.

So what ought to be a triumph for good over evil, for due process and honesty over lies and slander and mob rule, for the very-conservative Trump agenda against the “Resistance” trying to obstruct us at every turn, these dweebs and losers are going to take Judge Moore’s glorious victory and turn it into a problem.  What concerns me is that this has a chance of working very much like the economic downturn of the late W years.  In Bush Jr.’s last term, the Democrats and their A/V department (commonly known as the dinosaur media) engaged in a sustained campaign of misinformation to convince people that the economy was doing terribly and we were in hard times.  This was helped along by the subprime mortgage debacle, but the little-known fact about economics is that you can make bad times and good times happen if you can make people believe times are bad or good.  If you convince people that times are bad, then they tighten the belt.  They don’t spend as much, they don’t invest as much, they forego vacations or new cars, they don’t trade up jobs because they don’t want to lose their seniority if layoffs start, and so on.  All that adds up to creating bad times.  My concern with the Zombie NeverTrumpers is that they will happily go on the morning shows and Twitter and any other soapbox they can jump on and keep repeating and promoting this nonsense line that “well Roy Moore is a child molester and President Trump bragged about sexual assault.”  Because the more they repeat it, the more people are eventually going to believe it, and these guys will be doing their damnedest to make sure their dire predictions come true.

I’ve said before, Roy Moore staying in and winning is our only hope.  That doesn’t mean that his win means it’ll be smooth sailing for 2018.  Thanks in large part to our ZNT pals, it’s going to be an uphill fight as usual even if President Trump continues to deliver (and I see no sign that he won’t).  But the sunshine here is not merely that it has not and I remain convinced will not work on Judge Moore any more than this asinine tactic worked on President Trump, but that both men have shown that the way you defeat a smear campaign like this is not to run and hide and mince and abandon your allies, but to rally around them and fight back.  The GOP is just beginning to show that they just might be learning from President Trump’s example.  They can become quick studies and fight on to an even brighter day, or they can choose to sit in the rain and mope for fear of upsetting the comfortable status quo.

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Words that leftists should not use, chapter 20

Wanderer’s Way has led me through a rocky patch this past week and I don’t know quite when I’m going to get past it, so for anyone out there reading this, I do in fact think thoughts and prayers are worth something.  Just throwin’ that out there.

At least the news in the world of politics has been pretty shiny in the meantime, with the tax bill passing the Senate and the Roy Moore story imploding and the latest stab at the Russia nonsense turning out to be fake news yet again.  It is with that in mind that I have chosen this week’s word that leftists should not use until they can figure out what it really means, and that is “integrity.”  In the wake of Al Franken’s non-resignation and John Conyers’ non-resignation (retirement =/= resignation), some fake news outlets have actually had the cojones to claim that the Democrats are “the only party with integrity.”

Dictionary.com lists three definitons for this word: 1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty; 2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished; 3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition.  Clearly, they mean to invoke the first of the three, and the first of those alternatives in particular.  The problem with this is, as usual, they’re wrong.  Franken’s not gone, Teddy Kennedy is still revered, Billy Jeff Clinton is still defended, and it took years upon years for the whole Weinstein wildfire to break.  Even giving them the point that they can set up the principles to which they have to adhere, they haven’t even come close.  The list of Democrats who have engaged in behavior that even Republicans would say “okay, that’s too much for us” is miles long.  Even now, as they’re trying to make up for years of hypocrisy and inaction, they’re still not taking out their trash.  Meanwhile Republicans have taken quick action to remove members of our party who are guilty of this kind of rank hypocrisy or even accused of it in some cases.  Whether that’s a good thing in the cases of men who are merely accused (Trent Franks) is debatable, but I can’t fault him for peace-outing before the storm hits him.

Obviously the other two alternatives in the first definition don’t apply–soundness of moral character and honesty.  This is the side that promotes and defends fake news for crying out loud.  They spent the past quarter of a century since Billy Jeff first appeared on the scene trying to tell us that individual character doesn’t matter, until of course it does.  I could almost give the Democrats the second definition, on being whole and undiminished, but considering all the ground they’ve lost since Whatshisname and the fact that President Trump is taking their media power base apart one tweet at a time, I don’t think the Democrats’ lockstep unity is really enough to get them to definition #2.  That’s like saying a derailed train still has integrity because the cars are still all moving in the same general direction.  Likewise, the Democrats are far from in sound or unimpaired condition.  That’s why they’re fighting like cornered animals.

Now don’t get me wrong, in large part the Republicans fail to merit this description as well.  #2 and #3 are right out–while we’re in good shape as far as size and power right now we have major troubles with party unity, as the dogpile on Roy Moore by NeverTrumpers makes clear, and in the same vein we’re definitely not unimpaired when we keep kicking own goals.  As for adherence to principles, soundness of character, and honesty, well, that’s hard to come by, though some in the GOP have had occasion to demonstrate their integrity lately by keeping their own word and adhering or returning to the principles we claim to uphold.  It’s a good sign that most of the Senate Republicans got on board with the tax bill, and it’s a great sign that we have at least a few guys out there (President Trump and Ted Cruz notably) who are sticking to their guns, doing what they said, and importantly at this stage, not jumping on Roy Moore over laughably false allegations.  Seriously, even the fake news has to admit (grudgingly and with no shortage of cheap shots) that President Trump has kept or is keeping the vast majority of his campaign promises.  Much as they’d like to see him welch on every one of them.

So no, lefties, the Democrats don’t have “integrity” because Al Franken can announce he’ll resign “in the coming weeks” so he can try to get the choreographed heat off himself in time to take pot shots at President Trump and Judge Moore.  If anything that just shows how badly they’re coming apart.

Another word next week.  Thoughts and prayers for a lot of things folks, thanks in advance.

That checkmate feeling

Since time immemorial (or maybe memorial, I don’t think they’ve been doing this all that long come to think of it), the left has gleefully responded to well-wishers and people expressing sympathy that their “thoughts and prayers” aren’t enough when something goes wrong.  When decent folks send their “thoughts and prayers” to the victims of a hurricane, the left starts moaning about “how about we stop destroying the environment and actually do something?” while the people sending thoughts and prayers are also sending bottled water and donated blood.  When decent folks send their “thoughts and prayers” to the victims of a terror attack or mass shooting, the left wails that “your prayers didn’t stop this, now let’s do gun control!”  They’re deliberately ignorant of the power of simple empathy, largely because they have none and partly because they can’t brook any obstacles to their exploitation of a crisis for political gain.

I think Friday’s revelations regarding the Roy Moore fiasco are pretty clear evidence of what kind of power thoughts and (in particular) prayers can have.  As someone noted on Twitter, “it’s almost as if God is on Roy Moore’s side.”

It came out that the promoter of the now-infamous yearbook admitted that she forged the entry.  And yes, word-lawyering NeverTrumpers, what she admitted to doing is legally forgery.  Adding to or altering a writing in order to mislead or change its character is forgery.  To give a comparable example, I was taught to always fill out a check with the first word and first number flush against the left edge of the line or number box because that way someone can’t come along later and scribble in a “one,” changing your check for “forty-two and 73/100 dollars” to “one forty-two and 73/100 dollars.”  It doesn’t matter which parts of it I wrote, that check is still forged if you finagle another hundred bucks on it without my consent.  I still maintain that the entire thing is a forgery in the yearbook, but what this accuser admitted to is in itself forgery.  Sorry, Ben Shapiro.

And really, this is the piece that brings the entire Jenga tower crashing down.  Roy Moore is already leading in Alabama with a commanding majority of Republicans there (over 70%) believing the stories are fake.  That’s only going to go up now that this accuser has outright admitted to being a lying liar and still won’t release the yearbook.  She’s a liar and she forged her so-called “evidence” is all that anyone needed to hear.  Some of us didn’t even need that much but that’s going to send anyone on the fence diving straight down Judge Moore’s side, and some of ’em are going to be pretty well pissed about this.

I’m pretty sure that’s game in Alabama, folks.  And while it might not be the end of this “he harassed me” malarkey being trotted out on cue to wreck Republicans (it apparently worked on Trent Franks and he peace-outed quick), it does give future victims of this kind of smear campaign another example to point to of how you survive this.  You fight back.

Oh, and Democrats?  Pretending you have the moral high ground on anything is just laughable.  Playing like you even know what the word “integrity” means is kind of pathetic.  You gave us Billy Jeff and Teddy and JFK and told us all this didn’t matter, and guess what cupcakes, we figured out that if all the stuff that those three sterling gentlemen did was no big deal, then what guys like Roy Moore or Donald Trump or even Al Franken got accused of doing shouldn’t even be on the radar.  Guess you should have been a little more careful what you wished for.

So much winning

I’m left with the difficult choice of linking to an article from CNN or InfoWars to present this little gem.  Since the InfoWars article itself links to the CNN piece and adds its own helpful critique, I’m going to link theirs here.  I’m not exactly a fan but I do consider InfoWars to be at least as legitimate as the fake news, which is not a high bar to cross.  CFNN, on the other hand…not sure I could stomach linking them up directly.

Anyway, article to follow.  Who would have believed, a politician keeps his promises.  Really kind of a sad state of affairs when that’s news in itself.  Almost as sad as it is to find it noteworthy that a “news organization” reports on it at least somewhat accurately (but of course has to add their own spin to it later in the piece).

https://www.infowars.com/cnn-admits-trump-has-kept-most-of-his-promises/

The lying liar who lied

Breaking news is that Senator Al “Gropey McGropeface” Franken will be resigning from the Senate tomorrow after a seventh accuser surfaced against him.  This is also on the heels of the “retirement” of John “I’ve been here longer than most of the buildings” Conyers who apparently thinks the congressional seat he’s been in for over half a century is some kind of medieval fiefdom he’s going to pass to his son.

I’ve been clear in many comments that I don’t care what Al Franken did.  I don’t care who he grabbed or pinched or gave a big sloppy wet kiss to.  It’s all kinda gross but seriously, grow up.  I can’t, however, say I’ll be the least bit sorry to see him go.  Remembering this sanctimonious jackass and his much-praised word-lawyer grilling of Jeff Sessions (and how all the snowflakes just swooned over it) together with many other displays of blinding ignorance with the showman’s flair that sells it to the low-info types, it just makes me smile to know he’s going away in disgrace.  No amount of bogus ballots in car trunks or letters of support from SNL can save him now.

I am, however, not blind to the consequences of Franken falling on his sword.  The Democrats are going to (wrongly) claim that they are cleaning up their house as they try to stoke the Weinstein wildfire for one final push as the Alabama election hits the home stretch.  I don’t think it’s going to work but they’ll ride that narrative into the future as they continue to push this “all men are awful so we have to vote for leftist women” line of malarkey that I predicted.  What I see as the more ominous possibility here is the next move.  I think Franken knew he was history from the getgo and was just holding on until the party could get their ducks in a row, because these people always play the long game.  The parade of Democratic senators and other Democrat politicians calling for his resignation over the course of the past two days looks about as practiced and deliberate as a Rockettes kick line, which leads me to believe the machinery is in place.

Minnesota’s governor is a Democrat.  He will be appointing Franken’s interim successor until Franken’s term is up in 2018.  I’ll be stunned speechless if his replacement is not a woman.  Furthermore, I’m looking for her to be ethnically appropriate, possibly gender confused, and unknown enough so that the potential for lurking scandals or embarrassing public statements is minimal.  I’m also going to predict that she will likely be pretty.  In other words, the Democrats will be looking to create a superstar to run in 2020 here.  They’re going to try to revivify the mojo that Whatshisname brought as a relative unknown, a freshman senator from the midwest, with a “historic” grievance group affiliation, attractive and unafflicted by pesky closet skeletons.  They will start off with the wagons pre-circled around her and will promote her relentlessly while at the same time attacking anyone who even considers criticizing her with a renewed fury.  We’re all gonna get called sexist misogynists folks.

I honestly hope I’m wrong, because this is the opportunity the Democrats need.  They can bypass that bothersome primary process that almost gave them Crazy Bernie and handpick a candidate to catapult to national stardom.  I think the reason that Al Franken’s house of cards has finally and quickly collapsed is because they’ve found their girl and they’re ready for him to commit seppuku.  Watch closely.

Rough week

Hey folks, it’s kind of been busy along Wanderer’s Way this week and on top of that I haven’t been feeling so great, so I apologize for the lack of regular posts.  It’s not like there hasn’t been plenty to talk about (like the Mueller subpoena to Deutsche Bank that, um, didn’t happen) (or the President moving our Israeli embassy to Jerusalem where it belongs).

So thanks for bearing with me and sorry about the slow week.  They happen.

 

EDIT: If you’re looking for something to read in the interim, John Hayward’s Twitter is on fire today: https://twitter.com/Doc_0

Words that leftists should not use, chapter 19

In the wake of General Flynn’s guilty plea to a process crime, which involved him lying about doing something that was in the normal course of his job anyway, this week’s word is one that the salivating left has been throwing around gleefully without having any idea what it actually means.  Seeing as how the fake news underpinnings of this story didn’t even survive the weekend, this seems like an opportune time to hit on this word in particular.  This week’s word that leftists should not use is “treason.”

We already hit on the meaning of the word “collude” in chapter 16 of this series and “treason” dovetails with that.  Dictionary.com defines “treason” thus: the offense of acting to overthrow one’s government or to harm or kill its sovereign; a violation of allegiance to one’s sovereign or to one’s state; the betrayal of a trust or confidence; breach of faith; treachery.  So let’s unpack all of these as applies to even the most hysterical accusations against President Trump and his campaign.  Is he accused of acting to overthrow the government or kill its “sovereign?”  Not unless you think the Presidency belongs to the Democrats by right, although some Democrats probably do–they certainly seemed to think that the CFPB was theirs in perpetuity like some medieval fiefdom.  Is he accused of violating an allegiance to sovereign or state?  Getting dirt on Dr. Pantsuit from the Russians (which didn’t happen but remember we’re playing in leftist fantasyland for the moment) is hardly a violation of allegiance to the United States–and if it was then Dr. Pantsuit did the exact same thing with the Ukrainians.  Betrayal of trust or confidence?  Nope.  Breach of faith or treachery?  Negative.  Of course the latter definitions are about treason on a personal level anyway.

Doing opposition research on Dr. Pantsuit with the Russians, even if it happened, is not treason.  And if you come back with “well, he promised to help them out later ’cause they had blackmail material on him!”, let’s discuss shall we?  First, the dossier is fake.  Proven fake.  Admitted fake.  And even if it wasn’t, who the hell cares?  He had prostitutes defile a bed because he didn’t like Whatshisname?  So?  They unloaded way worse allegations on President Trump stateside and they bounced off.  The man is literally un-blackmailable because every nasty thing that can be said about him has already been said.  Furthermore, since being inaugurated, name one damn thing President Trump has done that Vlad Putin likes.  Promoting fracking?  Strengthening NATO?  Restoring friendship with Israel?  Kicking Bashar Assad in the chops?  Rebuilding American credibility on the world stage?  About the only thing Putin has gotten out of this deal is World War III didn’t happen.

But let’s talk about actual treason.  When you’re the outgoing administration and you kick out Russian diplomats and impose sanctions on the eve of your departure to deliberately make things difficult for the next president because you don’t like him and to promote your “Russian collusion” lie, isn’t that trying to overthrow the government?  Isn’t that violating your allegiance to the country, by intentionally doing something harmful just to spite the next guy?  When you violate your oath to the Constitution by illegally unmasking General Flynn in violation of his Fourth Amendment rights, isn’t that treason?  When you circumvent the Constitution to enter into deals like the Paris Accords or the Iran Nuclear Deal without proper congressional oversight, isn’t that a violation of your allegiance and a betrayal of trust?

The fact is even if the very worst hysterical imagined accusations against President Trump and his campaign are true, they aren’t treason.  Not remotely.  Hell, stopping Dr. Pantsuit from lying and cheating her way into the presidency and finishing the job of destroying the United States that Whatshisname laid eight years of groundwork for was probably the most patriotic thing anyone’s done since World War II, especially when you consider that President Trump went into this knowing the media assault he was going to have to endure for the rest of his life and knowing how much of his own fortune he was going to have to put up to make it happen.  Meanwhile the left’s supporters go out chanting things like “America was never great” and “No Trump, no wall, no USA at all” and praise people like the Rosenbergs while their leaders deliberately undermine and subvert and betray American interests every chance they get.  They went out and bowed and apologized to the world for America being America, they supported and cheered for the Communists for decades (and some cheered for the terrorists on and after 9/11), they ceded as much of our sovereignty to the United Nations as they could, and now they’re going to have the gall to tell us that President Trump committed treason by getting damaging information about Dr. Pantsuit, who wasn’t even in office?  Sorry morons, I don’t care how much you thought the presidency was rightfully hers, that doesn’t make her anyone’s sovereign and that’s not treason.  And you’d better hope that we’re too busy fixing the mess you America-hating scumbags made over the past eight years to start coming after the real traitors.

Another word next week.  At the rate the left is freaking out over the tax bill I’m sure I’ll have something tasty to talk about by then.

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends

You’d think they might get tired eventually.

The lunatic left was so wrapped up in enjoying a smoke yesterday after what they thought was a bombshell development in the whole Mueller mess (and it wasn’t, despite how the fake news tried to spin it) that they got a slow start on the usual comic hysteria over President Trump actually advancing his agenda.  But don’t worry, it’s coming.

To sane, reasonable people, the bill that cleared the Senate last night is a modest tax rate reduction that actually doesn’t cut taxes for the wealthiest Americans but will stimulate growth and get real money back into the pockets of actual taxpayers.  In addition, it gets rid of the individual mandate from the Unaffordable Don’t-Care Act, which will hasten its demise as people are no longer forced to buy worthless insurance they don’t want.  Yes, if you’re in the bracket of people who don’t actually pay any federal taxes, then you’re not going to see a lot of benefit from this in terms of the benefits you receive, but really, why are we supposed to feel bad about people who don’t actually pay taxes NOT getting a tax cut?  Meanwhile you WILL be enjoying the upsides of a stronger economy and a healthier job market.

Of course all of this is anathema to the left.  They’re out wailing and shrieking that the GOP has “looted the Treasury” by not taking as much money from people as the Democrats want to.  More than a few of them are out crying about how “America is over” and some are actually suggesting to millennials that it’s time to leave the country if they can (to which I say, please do).  They’ve broken out the busted-from-inception line about how cutting taxes and spending is “not what Jesus would do” and how this is all so unChristian as if they would have any idea what Christianity is.  I’m not sorry, guys–if your party supports murdering babies then I’m sure not going to listen to you try to lecture me about how it’s immoral for the government to stop stealing from people.  You can pretend to have a clue what Jesus stood for in your own twisted fantasy world but I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t socialism.  It’s not like these twits understand what America is any better than they understand Jesus, because they’re out bemoaning that “America is dead” and “today will live in infamy” like the government stealing a little less of the money people earn is somehow counter to what this country stands for.  In reality we’re bringing America back towards some semblance of what it was before Whatshisname tried to “fundamentally transform” us in the name of hate and envy.  We ARE making America great again one step at a time and these animals cannot abide that.

The usual hysterics are just getting warmed up and I think we’re in for their biggest nonsense push yet.  I’m sure they are already gearing up to proclaim that these tax cuts will contribute directly to climate change and that Florida will be underwater by 5 PM on Wednesday.  I can already see the line of cosplaying ninnies in red gowns and white bonnets marching alongside beta soy boys in pink kitty ear hats squalling about how somehow cutting taxes hurts women because reasons.  I haven’t yet heard someone declare that the tax bill is “racist” but I’m sure that’s teed up and just waiting.  If it wasn’t starting to turn cold I’d say there’s protests riots in the offing.  The choir of autistic screeching is warming up and the usual suspects are chugging from the double whammy of the Flynn plea bombing out and the virtually simultaneous deathblow to their last bastion.

If you’ve enjoyed the theatrics and the wailing over the past year, then strap yourself in and get comfortable, because they’ll be at it again before the weekend’s out.  Watch them flail and keep a safe distance ’cause the bike locks are gonna be swingin’.  It was one thing to breach the Washington swamp last November, but they thought they would be able to hold the line until they could possibly retake the Senate.  They didn’t.  And the real fireworks are still yet to come after the reconciliation bill gets passed and President Trump signs this tax bill into law.

So enjoy the hysterics and do be sure to rub it in the faces of all the trolls and simpletons who have been desperately clinging to the “Trump hasn’t had one legislative win yet” line.  This show just goes on and on.  I for one am loving every minute of it.

Coup de grace

The tax bill cleared the Senate.

To my understanding the individual mandate repeal was part of the package.

The left are losing their minds.  Again.  But this time with good reason.  This was the bulwark they sacrificed their party for.  This was the win they staked their futures on.  It just collapsed.

You kill the mandate, you kill the Unaffordable Don’t-Care Act.

All the lefties cackling (inaccurately) about President Trump not getting a single legislative win yet, let’s see you laugh now.  By now you’d think they would realize that just means when the wins come they’re going to shake the establishment to its foundations.

Now all we need is the wall.  MAGA FTW.

An open letter to Vladimir Putin

Dear President Putin,

May I call you Vlad?  Ok, cool.  Let’s get a few understandings out of the way right off the bat.  I know you’re ex-KGB.  I know that probably means you have more blood on your hands than even you like to think about, which being ex-KGB is saying a lot.  I know you’re not just a virtual dictator but a strongman to boot.  I know you’ve got Russia pretty tightly in your hand and no one’s going to challenge that.  I know you’re also a committed nationalist who pines for the days of the old Soviet empire, when Moscow exerted her power over not just breakaway nations like Ukraine and Estonia but also the satellite countries around the world that came under the hegemony of the Iron Curtain, and of course the American media belonged to you too.  In other words, I know at heart you’re really not a good guy.  You’re smart enough not to want to see your people crushed like they inevitably would be in a massive war with the West, and right now you’re doing fine just waging proxy battles and annexing things and just keeping Mother Russia on her own two feet.  Empire can wait.

So I’m told by tons of trolls and other lefties that you somehow helped President Trump win the election last year.  If that’s true then, well, thanks very much, but you know, I can’t really figure out why you’d do that.  I mean really, Vlad, you seemed to be having no small amount of fun over the preceding eight years just running rings around Whatshisname.  I gotta admit it would have been fun to watch in a lot of ways if it wasn’t soberingly scary.  Under Whatshisname’s pathetic leadership we somehow managed to lose ground to a bunch of halfbaked terrorists, get our embassy overrun and our ambassador freaking killed by a goddamned mob of teenaged thugs, and lost a showdown with your little lapdog in Syria.  In Syria.  Not China, not Pakistan, not even freaking insane North Korea.  Syria sent us packing.  No wonder our stupid hashtag campaigns didn’t work for crap.  Hell, you even out-memed Whatshisname.

So it naturally seemed like you’d want to follow up one incompetent globalist buffoon with one who was twice as incompetent and desperately corrupt to boot.  Would have made Dr. Pantsuit really easy to blackmail, you know?  And hell, if I were the suspicious type, I would have thought that the Uranium One deal that Dr. Pantsuit personally engineered might have been her down payment on whatever help you were going to provide during the election.  Maybe some of the money off the pallets of cash that Whatshisname had delivered to your buddies in Iran made its way to Moscow too?  I’m sure the reason the Democrats went right to the “Russia did it” narrative wouldn’t be yet another example of leftist projection, would it Vlad?  Or maybe they’re just angry at you because they paid for services that you didn’t end up rendering?  I mean, why would you ever want an intelligent nationalist to win the American presidency when you could have had another eight years of bumbling weakness in Washington?  Sure, she’d probably have provoked a major war by now, but we all know you’d just fight that through Iran anyway.

Well anyway Vlad, I have some great news for you.  It seems that now anyone who supports President Trump and criticizes the fake news is a Russian agent.  That’s what the people on the internet are telling me and the internet doesn’t lie, you know?  So I guess this means I’ve been working for you all this time and didn’t even realize it!  I gotta say, you’re kind of a crappy boss but I like your hands-off management style.  I’m willing to overlook the lousy conditions and lack of recognition but I do think it’s about time you kicked some rubles my way, my man.

So let’s talk about settling up and I think we’ll be good.  I mean obviously I would have done this for free.  I promise I won’t be nearly as ungrateful a lackey as President Trump has been.  Between his promotion of fracking (counter to your oil interests, Vlad!), his strengthening of NATO, his swift kick in the chops to your little poodle Bashar Assad, his totally-not-lifting the stupid sanctions Whatshisname put into place just before leaving office to make problems, and all the other ways President Trump hasn’t done a thing you’ve liked…wow, you really have to wonder how committed he is to this relationship.  It’s almost like he doesn’t owe you anything!

I for one am looking forward to continuing this relationship into the indefinite future.  I never would have thought I’d be a Russian bot, but then, neither did Seth Rich.  I guess at least you’re a better boss than his was Vlad.

P.S.  I’m not kidding about the rubles.  Chop chop.