The Smashed Banana, issue #3

International News

Royal Air Force announces “Baby Trump” blimp to lead island’s defenses

London, England– With growing tensions between the continental European Union, Germany in particular, and the United Kingdom as Brexit efforts make slow and tedious progress, Britain’s Royal Air Force announced plans to unleash a weapon the likes of which has no precedent in Europe: a gigantic orange baby with a face vaguely resembling American President Donald Trump.

“In these tense times it is important to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure the success of Brexit and the continued safety of the British people,” said RAF Colonel Alistair Higginbotham in a press conference last week. “We are confident that with Baby Trump’s all-seeing beady eyes hovering over the British Isles and standing petulant watch across the English Channel that not only will Brexit inch ever closer to success but that no continental force will dare attempt to compel us to stay in the European Union.”

Asked why the blimp resembles a poor caricature of the American President, Higginbotham replied “We felt this symbolized our adversarial relationship with our continental neighbors, Germany’s Angela Merkel in particular. I doubt she’ll risk taking hostile actions against Great Britain when she could find jaundiced Baby Trump in the skies over Berlin as a counterattack.”

trump-baby-600

Photo inset: Concept art for Britain’s last best hope.

Added Higginbotham, “Make Britain Great Again.”

When pressed on whether the giant baby Trump was actually created as a protest of the American president’s impending visit to London, Colonel Higginbotham dismissed the idea and remarked “okay seriously, that would just be stupid. Pathetically, childishly stupid.”

U.S. News

People who are not proud of being Americans act shocked when told there are people who are not proud of being Americans

Washington, D.C.–This Fourth of July, polls indicated higher numbers of Americans than ever declared they were not even “a little bit proud” to be Americans. This poll was met with shock and consternation primarily by Democratic party members and millennials, who according to the poll are the demographics most likely to not even be a little bit proud of their nationality.

“I mean, it really says something about where we are as a country,” said Ana Ramirez, 20, a sophomore majoring in gender studies at American University. “It’s, like, depressing that so many people don’t feel that they can take pride in their own country, but, like, with Trump and the alt-right fascists running everything I guess you can’t blame them.”

“I don’t think there’s any excuse for it,” said Barton Mondale, 41, a research assistant at a D.C. area environmental engineering firm. “It’s unbelievable that so few people can take pride in their country. Trump and his supporters should all be ashamed of how they’re making us feel. That’s what happens when NASCAR passes for culture and ‘being green’ is what you do when you drink too much moonshine.”

Dissecting the poll numbers revealed that Republicans’ and Independents’ levels of American pride remained fairly constant while Democrats’ sharply declined following the election of 2016, to the extent that the Democrat dip was substantial enough to drag down the entire average.

“Of course I was proud of my country four years ago,” said John Hollings, 36, a contractor from the Tidewater region. “We were doing some pretty stupid stuff but we were still the best in the world by far. Couldn’t be prouder that we came out of that funk and are doing so well now.”

Added Hollings, “America: F**k yeah!”

 

2018, The Smashed Banana.  Just lyin’ on the sidewalk.  Like a boss.

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