Justice Kennedy announces retirement, secret identity
Washington D.C.–Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy rocked the political world this week when he announced that he would be retiring from his position as Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court in the next few weeks. He also shook the world of vigilante crime fighting to its foundations when he revealed his secret identity in the same letter.
“It has been the honor of my life to serve in this position,” read Justice Kennedy’s notice of resignation. “Also, it is time that the world knew the truth. I am Batman.”
Reactions to both announcements have been understandably mixed.
“At his age I can certainly understand wanting to spend the rest of his days out of the public eye, and with a Republican president and Senate he can safely do that,” said David Carroll, 42, a D.C. area paralegal. “And really, I’m sure chasing crooks and supervillains takes a toll on your knees. Hell, I’m half his age and I dread even the thought of stairs, much less scaling a building using a grappling hook.”
“I can’t believe this, it’s totally irresponsible. What will we do without our precious crucial swing vote that legalized gay marriage and made sure to rub it right in the faces of Christian conservatives?! How can he just GIVE that seat to President Trump after we rightfully stole it from Robert Bork?!” said Aya Linwood, a 23 year old law student at the University of Virginia. “And who’s going to protect Gotham from the Joker’s toxic masculinity? Who’s going to empower Selina Kyle by letting her save him from some ridiculously contrived supervillain trap?”
“Oh God,” Linwood exclaimed a moment later, “…does this mean President Trump will be appointing a new Batman too?”
At present, Justice Kennedy’s plans for his retirement are unspecified, although a spokesman said he intends to live a quiet life at his family’s estate, spend sleepless nights staring at an illuminated plexiglass case containing his judicial robes, and do literally anything other than secretly train his replacement.
Photo inset: Left, Justice Anthony Kennedy. Right, also Justice Anthony Kennedy.
Supreme Court upholds travel ban in seven-word opinion
Washington, D.C.–In a devastating and yet painfully obvious blow to opponents of President Trump, the Supreme Court held that the so-called “Muslim Ban” imposed by President Trump in the early days of his administration was Constitutionally legal in a strikingly brief opinion.
Penned by Justice Samuel Alito, the succinct opinion read as follows. “Of course it’s legal. Learn to read.”
Chief Justice John Roberts was a bit more verbose in his concurrence. “Look idiots, it’s right there in the Constitution that the president has the power to do stuff like this. Good gravy, the stuff you people fuss about sometimes is just ludicrous. No wonder Tony’s peace-outing this gig.”
“I mean even if it was a Muslim ban it really sucks at it anyway,” Roberts continued. “Like, 92% of the Muslims in the world wouldn’t even notice. One of the countries on the ban list is freaking North Korea, in case you haven’t noticed. They’re just loaded with Muslims, don’t ya know.”
Justice Clarence Thomas’ concurrence was a great deal more terse, consisting of just one word: “Duh.”
Justice Elena Kagan, writing for the dissenters, wrote a similarly short rebuttal.
“Nuh uhhhhh!” was joined in by Justices Sotomayor and Breyer. Justice Ginsburg was thought to be holding her breath in protest of the decision until Supreme Court staff remembered she no longer requires oxygen.
Nation breathes a sigh of relief as “Pride Month” ends
Columbus, OH–After a month of incessant rainbow flags, endless virtue signalling by confused teenagers and aging hippies, and parades by men in tutus and purple-mohawked women with beards, the country took a moment to pause in appreciation of the fact that “Pride Month” is finally over.
“Oh thank God it’s over,” said Myrna Hasselbeck, 38, a local homemaker. “I really didn’t mind all the rainbows on everything and I figured the hair dye was just the kids’ way of expressing themselves, but you know, there are some subjects you just don’t need to bring up in front of six year olds, much less march down the middle of main street about.”
“I mean, okay, you can get married now, you won,” Hasselbeck added.
“I don’t have the first problem with equality,” said Gregory Steele, 27, a Columbus area electrician. “That’s not it at all. I just really do not give a flying care who you want to screw and how. I like laying women, I don’t go out and demand a freaking medal for it.”
“Where I drew the line was when they decided every day of the month had to be to recognize a particular gender or identity or, whatever,” said Jennifer Hart, 30, a local secretary. “I actually tried to keep up for the first week but really, I still don’t know what all the letters in LGBTQIAAP stand for. No, please don’t tell me, they’ll just change it again anyway. At least now I can pretend to care about something else.”
“I’m just glad it’s finally July and we can get ready for some fireworks and barbecue,” Steele commented. “June is totally gay now.”
2018, The Smashed Banana. If you peel us and we’re red, it means we’re fake news.