Viral Image Turns Out To Have Nothing To Do With Immigration
New Tazewell, TN–An image circulating in social media as an example of children separated from their parents by ICE agents has been decried as “inaccurate” and “fake news.” It was discovered only after the image achieved viral status that the children pictured are actually local residents and are the children of Kevin Macomber, 34, who was arrested on charges of manufacturing methamphetamine.
The children, ages 5 and 8, were photographed during the arrest by Jackson Cross, 25, a local newspaper reporter who posted the image to his paper’s Twitter feed. Within hours, Cross stumbled upon his own image on a pro-illegal immigration and anti-Trump Facebook group with a caption and story about ICE agents having ripped them from their father’s arms at the border.
“Yeah, it was completely inaccurate,” Cross said, “but I still felt like it captured the spirit of the whole situation, even though this family has absolutely nothing to do with immigration at all. So I didn’t tell them to take it down.”
Cross added, “They look like they could be Mexican in that light don’t they? Guatemalan maybe?”
The image, which had been called “iconic” and “damning” of the Trump administration’s zero-tolerance illegal immigration policy but had no effect on the public image of meth producers in the middle South, briefly spurred local activists to attempt to demand the reunification of the Macomber family.
“It is, like, unacceptable that our fascist immigration laws and the Nazis in ICE are treating this family like criminals, okay?” said Kayla Truman, 19, a sophomore at the University of Tennessee-Knoxville. “I mean, they got all the way here from the border and nobody even noticed, why don’t we just leave them alone?”
A protest held outside the local Department of Health and Human Services that is overseeing the foster placement of the Macomber children dispersed quickly after Mr. Macomber arrived to address the assembled crowd, telling them “I might be a meth head but I sure ain’t no damn Mexican.”
Photo inset: artist’s rendition of crying child, also having nothing to do with illegal immigration.
Masked Protestors Explain They Are “Against Fascism”
Washington D.C.–In a dramatically blunt stroke of self-unawareness, unnamed spokesmen for a loosely affiliated group of masked violent protestors nationwide declared that they are “opposing fascism.”
“We are proudly standing up in resistance to the fascist Trump/Pence administration!” an unnamed masked individual in a group of similarly dressed and masked protesters shouted into a bullhorn before handing off the megaphone and ducking behind an AntiFa flag. The next person in line beside him proceeded to shout down counterprotestors by leading the group in a chant of “This is what democracy looks like!”
“Your tyranny is over, privileged white cis male scum!” yelled another unidentifiable black-clad marcher as she lit a placard marked “FREE SPEECH” on fire. “F**k you and your hate speech!”
Photo inset: Irony
A cluster of about a dozen such protesters stormed into a local restaurant where they had been told several Republican staffers and Capitol Police were having lunch. They proceeded to stand directly behind random people, chanting “Hey hey, ho ho, fascist pigs have got to go!” until they successfully drove every non-minority out of the establishment.
“They stood there and cheered for a minute after the last white guy got up and left, then they took some selfies and just kinda wandered off,” said Ruben Hernandez, 32, an off-duty Capitol Police officer who witnessed the incident. “I’m sure the Chik-Fil-A down the street appreciated the extra business.”
Disney Announces “Solo” Sequel Will Feature Han Continually Shooting First
Orlando, FL–Following the lackluster reception of “Solo: A Star Wars Story” at the box office, Disney has announced the next installment in the Star Wars cinematic universe will be a sequel wherein the iconic privateer Han Solo shoots first throughout the entire film.
In a press release announcing “Solo 2” Disney stated the following: “We realize that several of the writers, directors, and publicists involved with the recent movies in the Star Wars franchise have hinted at or outright said that they’re not interested in making movies for traditional Star Wars fans anymore. In the interest of not continuing to hemorrhage money and trying to draw some of those fans back so that we might continue to use Star Wars as a viable vehicle for social justice messages, we have gone back to what the fans have told us they really want for years now, and that is for Han to shoot first. And he’s going to. Over and over again.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a member of Disney’s writing team for the new “Solo” movie gave us this synopsis of “Solo 2.” “You know how James Bond films open with the sight trying to line up on him and then he shoots at the camera? Yeah, we’re gonna do that, except Han’s gonna shoot it before you even see him. Then we’re gonna start off the movie with a Gungan in a bar, and he’s just gonna keel over with a blaster shot to the back, and Han’s gonna walk in, and someone at the bar’s just gonna say “Meesa people gonna die” and everyone’s just gonna bust out laughing. Then pretty much the whole rest of the movie will just be 108 minutes of Han Solo walking into a room and shooting something. Ewoks, Hutts, Twi’lek, droids, you name it, Han’s gonna shoot it first.”
The writer added, “Especially that droid from the last movie, L-whatever the number was. He’s gonna shoot that thing a whole bunch of times. First.”
Fans’ reaction to the announcement has been mixed but generally positive.
“Is there supposed to be some kind of plot here or are they just that desperate to get our money again?” asked Greg Jensen, 43, a lifelong Star Wars fan who did not even bother seeing “Solo.” “Still, I guess it really can’t be any worse than The Last Jedi.”
2018, The Smashed Banana. Democracy Dies With Applesauce.