Breaking news is that Senator Al “Gropey McGropeface” Franken will be resigning from the Senate tomorrow after a seventh accuser surfaced against him. This is also on the heels of the “retirement” of John “I’ve been here longer than most of the buildings” Conyers who apparently thinks the congressional seat he’s been in for over half a century is some kind of medieval fiefdom he’s going to pass to his son.
I’ve been clear in many comments that I don’t care what Al Franken did. I don’t care who he grabbed or pinched or gave a big sloppy wet kiss to. It’s all kinda gross but seriously, grow up. I can’t, however, say I’ll be the least bit sorry to see him go. Remembering this sanctimonious jackass and his much-praised word-lawyer grilling of Jeff Sessions (and how all the snowflakes just swooned over it) together with many other displays of blinding ignorance with the showman’s flair that sells it to the low-info types, it just makes me smile to know he’s going away in disgrace. No amount of bogus ballots in car trunks or letters of support from SNL can save him now.
I am, however, not blind to the consequences of Franken falling on his sword. The Democrats are going to (wrongly) claim that they are cleaning up their house as they try to stoke the Weinstein wildfire for one final push as the Alabama election hits the home stretch. I don’t think it’s going to work but they’ll ride that narrative into the future as they continue to push this “all men are awful so we have to vote for leftist women” line of malarkey that I predicted. What I see as the more ominous possibility here is the next move. I think Franken knew he was history from the getgo and was just holding on until the party could get their ducks in a row, because these people always play the long game. The parade of Democratic senators and other Democrat politicians calling for his resignation over the course of the past two days looks about as practiced and deliberate as a Rockettes kick line, which leads me to believe the machinery is in place.
Minnesota’s governor is a Democrat. He will be appointing Franken’s interim successor until Franken’s term is up in 2018. I’ll be stunned speechless if his replacement is not a woman. Furthermore, I’m looking for her to be ethnically appropriate, possibly gender confused, and unknown enough so that the potential for lurking scandals or embarrassing public statements is minimal. I’m also going to predict that she will likely be pretty. In other words, the Democrats will be looking to create a superstar to run in 2020 here. They’re going to try to revivify the mojo that Whatshisname brought as a relative unknown, a freshman senator from the midwest, with a “historic” grievance group affiliation, attractive and unafflicted by pesky closet skeletons. They will start off with the wagons pre-circled around her and will promote her relentlessly while at the same time attacking anyone who even considers criticizing her with a renewed fury. We’re all gonna get called sexist misogynists folks.
I honestly hope I’m wrong, because this is the opportunity the Democrats need. They can bypass that bothersome primary process that almost gave them Crazy Bernie and handpick a candidate to catapult to national stardom. I think the reason that Al Franken’s house of cards has finally and quickly collapsed is because they’ve found their girl and they’re ready for him to commit seppuku. Watch closely.