Dear President Putin,
May I call you Vlad? Ok, cool. Let’s get a few understandings out of the way right off the bat. I know you’re ex-KGB. I know that probably means you have more blood on your hands than even you like to think about, which being ex-KGB is saying a lot. I know you’re not just a virtual dictator but a strongman to boot. I know you’ve got Russia pretty tightly in your hand and no one’s going to challenge that. I know you’re also a committed nationalist who pines for the days of the old Soviet empire, when Moscow exerted her power over not just breakaway nations like Ukraine and Estonia but also the satellite countries around the world that came under the hegemony of the Iron Curtain, and of course the American media belonged to you too. In other words, I know at heart you’re really not a good guy. You’re smart enough not to want to see your people crushed like they inevitably would be in a massive war with the West, and right now you’re doing fine just waging proxy battles and annexing things and just keeping Mother Russia on her own two feet. Empire can wait.
So I’m told by tons of trolls and other lefties that you somehow helped President Trump win the election last year. If that’s true then, well, thanks very much, but you know, I can’t really figure out why you’d do that. I mean really, Vlad, you seemed to be having no small amount of fun over the preceding eight years just running rings around Whatshisname. I gotta admit it would have been fun to watch in a lot of ways if it wasn’t soberingly scary. Under Whatshisname’s pathetic leadership we somehow managed to lose ground to a bunch of halfbaked terrorists, get our embassy overrun and our ambassador freaking killed by a goddamned mob of teenaged thugs, and lost a showdown with your little lapdog in Syria. In Syria. Not China, not Pakistan, not even freaking insane North Korea. Syria sent us packing. No wonder our stupid hashtag campaigns didn’t work for crap. Hell, you even out-memed Whatshisname.
So it naturally seemed like you’d want to follow up one incompetent globalist buffoon with one who was twice as incompetent and desperately corrupt to boot. Would have made Dr. Pantsuit really easy to blackmail, you know? And hell, if I were the suspicious type, I would have thought that the Uranium One deal that Dr. Pantsuit personally engineered might have been her down payment on whatever help you were going to provide during the election. Maybe some of the money off the pallets of cash that Whatshisname had delivered to your buddies in Iran made its way to Moscow too? I’m sure the reason the Democrats went right to the “Russia did it” narrative wouldn’t be yet another example of leftist projection, would it Vlad? Or maybe they’re just angry at you because they paid for services that you didn’t end up rendering? I mean, why would you ever want an intelligent nationalist to win the American presidency when you could have had another eight years of bumbling weakness in Washington? Sure, she’d probably have provoked a major war by now, but we all know you’d just fight that through Iran anyway.
Well anyway Vlad, I have some great news for you. It seems that now anyone who supports President Trump and criticizes the fake news is a Russian agent. That’s what the people on the internet are telling me and the internet doesn’t lie, you know? So I guess this means I’ve been working for you all this time and didn’t even realize it! I gotta say, you’re kind of a crappy boss but I like your hands-off management style. I’m willing to overlook the lousy conditions and lack of recognition but I do think it’s about time you kicked some rubles my way, my man.
So let’s talk about settling up and I think we’ll be good. I mean obviously I would have done this for free. I promise I won’t be nearly as ungrateful a lackey as President Trump has been. Between his promotion of fracking (counter to your oil interests, Vlad!), his strengthening of NATO, his swift kick in the chops to your little poodle Bashar Assad, his totally-not-lifting the stupid sanctions Whatshisname put into place just before leaving office to make problems, and all the other ways President Trump hasn’t done a thing you’ve liked…wow, you really have to wonder how committed he is to this relationship. It’s almost like he doesn’t owe you anything!
I for one am looking forward to continuing this relationship into the indefinite future. I never would have thought I’d be a Russian bot, but then, neither did Seth Rich. I guess at least you’re a better boss than his was Vlad.
P.S. I’m not kidding about the rubles. Chop chop.