A lot of folks like to deride leftists as trying to play Santa Claus, or try to liken the differences between liberals and conservatives to the differences between Santa Claus and God. This comes into play when leftists get freehanded with “generosity” using other people’s money and campaign on the basis of more and more free stuff. But there are many, many reasons why this is an inaccurate comparison. Santa Claus is absolutely conservative for a lot of reasons.
He doesn’t live in a big city. He’s old, white, male, and overweight (which any leftie will tell you makes him conservative by default while insisting they themselves aren’t the least bit racist). He’s wealthy and generous. He respects Christmas. He uses animals (the flying reindeer) but evidently he takes great care of them. He absolutely loves children–not like lefties claim to in order to score points, but genuinely loves them. He hires the best people for the jobs he needs done, which apparently are all elves. He won’t turn his nose up at high-calorie cookies loaded with sugar and butter and saturated fats and gluten and GMOs and all those things that make lefties gag and he’ll wash it all down with a tall glass of whole milk without a thought to dairy cows’ methane emissions. He doesn’t care if you’re black or white or a boy or a girl or rich or poor or what, all he cares about is have you been good this year. He sports a long beard, which apparently according to the feminists is a form of male oppression. Mrs. Claus gets to stay home and might even make a pie or a sandwich from time to time, and if she strays under the mistletoe she’s probably going to get a kiss and no one’s going to get sued over it. He likes it when children obey their parents and are “good,” and will reward or penalize them accordingly.
All that being said, there are two big reasons why Santa Claus is conservative that really overshadow the rest. The first is that Santa Claus is probably a child’s first experience with basic capitalism. A three-year-old can be told “be good because Santa Claus is watching and he will bring you presents if you’re good” and start to comprehend the concept of “working” for a reward–and the idea of being good “for goodness’ sake” is tightly married to the whole season, the cause-and-effect of how presents happen, and the character of Santa Claus. This provides the foundation for all sensible real-world economic theory and concepts to follow. If there’s follow-through from parents (and maybe a few lumps of coal along the way for children who don’t get the message) this lesson has a chance to stick. Santa’s not socialist, indulgent parents who still give their kids a mountain of presents regardless of whether they hold up their end of the deal are. But Santa’s not giving out participation trophies and he’s more than capable of telling a miserable brat “no,” which might be the greatest gift he can give.
But the biggest reason why Santa Claus is unquestionably conservative is this: Santa Claus is HAPPY. He’s always jolly and smiling and laughing and he loves spreading good cheer and joy wherever he goes. He’s never offended, never envious or aggrieved, and excludes no one–if your family doesn’t want him there he goes about his business. He’s not out to confront or divide or blame or judge, and though he will expect you to be responsible for your own behavior he’s a very forgiving soul who at his core just wants everyone to be as merry as he is. Seriously, the man lives in the Arctic and goes out at night in the dead of winter just to give toys away and is cheerful about it. Nothing breaks Santa’s mood and nothing can take away his Christmas spirit, so much so that he could say “Happy Holidays”to you and the “Merry Christmas” would still come through in the sound of the smile in his words. When you consider contented conservatives who make the most of whatever situation they find themselves in, alongside leftists who seek offense and are not happy unless they’re not happy, it’s obvious to see that Santa Claus is most definitely a Republican.