NATO Leaders Sneak Out After Curfew, Run Up President Trump’s Credit Card
Brussels, Belgium–After a hard day of negotiations and some tough love from American President Donald Trump directed at the other member states of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), the leaders of the chastised nations decided they’d get back at the stern-talking father figure and have some fun while they were at it.
“It was all (German Chancellor) Angie (Merkel)’s idea,” confessed Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, seated at the NATO kitchen table with several incriminating bottles of hard liquor and a bag from Hot Topic containing two t-shirts and a plushie along with a receipt in President Trump’s name. Trudeau reluctantly admitted knowing he did not have permission to use the card.
“So we were all getting ready for bed and she was still mad about getting lectured about buying so much natural gas from Vladimir Putin,” Trudeau said as he squirmed awkwardly in his chair. “She was all like, ‘I’m not gonna let him talk to me like that, he’s not my real dad.’ And Terrie (British Prime Minister Theresa May) just sat on her bed brushing her hair and asked what Angie was gonna do about it. Angie got real quiet for a second and then left the room. When she came back about two minutes later she had President Trump’s Platinum Visa in her hand and a wicked grin on her face.”
“I know we weren’t supposed to be out so late but she promised it’d be fun,” Trudeau whimpered. “Am I gonna get grounded?”
French President Emmanuel Macron told a similar story when cornered. “We didn’t think it was that big a deal,” he mumbled from under his hooded sweatshirt as he slumped on the couch. “Theresa didn’t even want to go along with it at first, she said she’d been making her NATO contributions like she was supposed to and wasn’t going to get in trouble, but after Angie promised her we’d stop for a mochaccino at the all-night coffee shop down the road she came along.”
Macron acknowledged that he was responsible for the purchase of the reflective sunglasses and the Deadpool iPhone case but adamantly insisted that the bill from the pastry shop “was all Justin and Angie, I swear.”
British Prime Minister Theresa May could not be reached for comment as she sat on her bed and hid her face behind her stuffed puppy. Chancellor Angela Merkel was ultimately persuaded to return the President’s credit card but had already opened two bottles of black nail polish and was wearing her new earrings as she refused to speak to Trump the next morning.
“Figures I couldn’t trust Justin and Manny (Emmanuel Macron),” she was heard grumbling into her cereal. “Bunch of babies.”
The President had not decided on an appropriate response as of press time, although he is reported to be considering a combination of grounding, working off the bills for the items that could not be returned, and an increase in GDP contribution to 4% per member state. President Trump did announce that, because he did not go along with the plan, Finnish President Sauli Niinistö (attending the summit as a non-member) would be allowed the use of the car this weekend.
Photo inset: President Trump catches the NATO leaders the next morning and boy are they gonna get it now.
Colonel Sanders Driven Out of Own Restaurant After Being Mistaken For Member of Trump Administration
Louisville, Kentucky–A local Kentucky Fried Chicken franchisee who dressed up to portray the iconic Colonel Sanders in a promotional event was driven out of his own restaurant on Sunday after protesters mistook him for a member of the Trump administration.
“I just thought it’d be a fun thing to do, had balloons for the kids and free lemonade and I was walking around handing out samples and taking pictures,” said Everett “Bud” Hazleton, 54, who has owned and operated a KFC for the past eleven years. “It was about midmorning I started noticing this group of college kids kind of milling about by the restrooms, taking pictures with their phones and such. I heard a couple of ’em say ‘Sanders’ and one or two say ‘he kinda looks like her,’ but I didn’t think much of it until they came after me about when the after-church lunch crowd hit.”
“Bud was just making nice with the customers as usual,” said a cashier who spoke under condition of anonymity. “Laughing it up, taking pictures with babies and stuff, and everyone was having fun except for this cluster of people who weren’t ordering and just hung out by the door. I heard one or two of them say something about ‘kids in cages’ and ‘fascist’ and then someone said ‘he’s a Nazi liar just like she is’ out loud. That’s when they all went over to him.”
“Hitting the Colonel’s Buffet after church is a family tradition for us,” said Darryl Easterbrook, 38, who witnessed the event with his family. “I’d just refilled my Mountain Dew when the chanting started and the nice old guy in the costume got assaulted by about two dozen kids. I couldn’t really tell what they were saying, I heard something about President Trump in there among the ‘hey heys’ and ‘ho hos’ but the next thing we knew they were shouting and cornering the guy until he bolted straight out the door.”
“What do you mean he’s not at all related to Sarah Huckabee Sanders?!” said Wil Teslee, 23, a dishwasher at the Starbucks down the street who participated in the incident. “Just look at him, man! If that’s not what a racist looks like I don’t know what does!”
“We will not apologize for answering the call of social justice!” declared Iris Thurgood, 22, one of the crowd who was cited for disturbance of the peace. “I don’t know what anybody in the Sanders family thinks they’re doing in our town but they and the rest of our illegitimate president’s administration are not welcome here! I mean seriously, could he get any more white?” Thurgood declined to comment further after being shown publicity artwork of the Colonel Sanders character.
Photo inset: The face of KFC. And also fascism, apparently.
2018, The Smashed Banana. If it doesn’t say The Smashed Banana on it, it’s fake news.